Selfishness as a disease Pt. 1

13May09

I’m not sure how many parts this ‘series’ of postings will have, I have no expectations or goals aside from expressing my personal opinions, battles and desires. I think that selfishness has always been a struggle for me personally. I wasn’t consciously aware of it at the time, but when I think about it now, I can see how it even stemmed from my childhood, because I feel like the friends I got- along best with were always more passive then me, so we tended to not butt-heads, and I would lead and probably get my way, not to say that that is necessarily selfish. I think a lot of it is due to my personality of being somewhat of an extrovert and strongly opinionated. I’ve especially noticed that I’ve become much more aware of this in the last few years, which is good, in my opinion. Obviously, maturing and experiencing more in life has helped point it out, but lately it has been something that I think about daily, even several times a day. But, one of the biggest problems that I have is that I don’t always think about myself. A lot of times, I think about other people, things and situations but with selfish motives and expectations. And then, I allow myself to mask these selfish motives by believing that I’m being selfless, when in reality I couldn’t be being any more self-centered and selfish. In a way, it’s like a viscous cycle, because I can’t control it, which I think is what I’m supposed to learn through this experience and these feelings. Because, the second that I think I can control it, I feel proud about myself and then “I” become the center of my thoughts and agendas again, thus the disease. I imagine a rust-like disease that eats away and governs over my heart, soul and mind. It is destructive, a constant battle to protect against and very hard to fix once the decaying process has started. Currently my selfishness has taken the form of doing things for people that make me feel satisfied, accomplished and entitled. I’ve noticed that I can have tendencies to do this in every relationship that I have; marriage, friendships, peers, family, etc. My mind and body are strained from dealing with this and not having a resolution, although I do have it, that’s just another part of the disease. It is absurdly clear that I need to stop making myself a god, but rather put all of my life and energy into another being. In the new as cities burn album there’s a song called “Made Too Pretty,” which is my favorite song on the album, in this song he sings about how ludicrous it is how we act like God was created after we saw our own faces, as if we were gods enough. This song has been weighing on my heart, ever since the album came out. Aside from myself, my ideal choice to fully give myself to, which is not correct in any way and shows how deep my selfishness is, would be my wife or my best friends. But unfortunately, something else that I have to constantly remind myself of, is that they, like me, are earthly beings and we will betray and let eachother down. I need to forfeit my selfish ways and turn them into something positive, something glorifying! Being a person who believes in Jesus Christ as the living, breathing Messiah and the Godhead three in one, I find value-in, and have a strong desire to divert my negative selfishness into love and positive energy towards my God. By doing this, and faithfully believing in it, I feel like God will teach me and compassionately guide me to be a more humble and selfless person. So, does anyone have the answer of how to depend on God? For Him to give me the ability, enthusiasm and strength to conquer my selfish soul? Does such an answer exist? Anybody? Maybe it’s not going to be as easy as just “giving it my all” or “the ole’ 100%,” huh? I’m listening to Four Tet right now, which is really nice to listen to while I’m writing since all of the songs are instrumental. Many of them have a very soothing and therapeutic sound to them, my friend Brett introduced me to them. That’s all for now, thanks.


My heart, my soul? which is it?

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